Do you ever play the sportscaster in your head? You know what I mean: “Time is ticking down… Carlin takes the snap, evades two tacklers – Wow! Did you see that move? – and looks down field. He throws – and what a throw! That must be 75 yards in the air. Touchdown! TOUCHDOWN!” (Hey, it’s my head, okay? Why not go for the glory?)
Recently, before a tournament squash match, the announcers in my head were the Monday Night Football crew, but they were announcing something different…
“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. While you were away, something interesting has happened. The Unknown Opponent seems to be winning the warm-up in a big way. Carlin has barely hit the ball. Dennis, is this not one of the more strange things we have seen?”
“Al, I can’t help but think of the Penn & Teller magic act. One of those two guys always plays the sap and never talks. Well, Carlin is sure playing the sap, and instead of never talking, he never hits the ball. It is kind of wild.”
“Okay, just to bring our new viewers up to speed, Carlin is the one on the right. ‘What’s he doing?’ you might be asking yourself. ‘Is he just watching?’ Well, in theory he is part of the warm-up with the Unknown Opponent. But we have been watching this warm-up for a number of minutes now and Carlin keeps waiting and waiting, but never hits the ball.”
“Al, I have to laugh at this. Carlin looks so lost out there. Just a second ago, he hit two balls in a row to himself – and apologized! Now, either he is taking something from the Dennis Miller School of Irony or he doesn’t get that this warm-up has become a real competition.”
“Well, Dennis, don’t forget that Carlin used to play the pro tour. Carlin really is a has-been these days, but this warm-up thing doesn’t fly on the actual tour. On the tour, the concept is to warm up the ball and get the blood flowing for the competitors. They rally. Only occasionally do they hit a ball back to themselves. But I don’t think Carlin has the weight to make the Unknown Opponent know that his behavior is incredible, so perhaps he is trying to guilt the UO into rallying with him.”
“Al, I beg to differ: Carlin certainly has the weight, if you see what I mean.”
“Ha ha. Okay, a poor choice of words in Carlin’s case. How about ‘influence?’ But now that you have brought it up, Dennis, Carlin does look a bit portly, doesn’t he?”
“Well, if every match goes as well for him as this warm-up, he sure isn’t burning many calories playing squash, is he?”
“That’s a good point. Dan, have you ever seen anything like this?”
“You know, Al, I have. Back when I was playing, we used to call this the ‘Prep School Warm-Up.’ I guess because it used to be primarily the cocky prep school guys who had the nerve to execute it. The idea was that you gave your opponent as few balls to hit as possible, within the boundaries of good taste. With the hard ball, you used to be able to hit about ten balls in a row to yourself and then hit a crosscourt as hard as possible to make your opponent miss…”
“Dan, I hate to interrupt, but you just described exactly what is happening right now. The Unknown Opponent just hit the ball in Carlin’s direction, but he really blasted his crosscourt, and Carlin whiffed.”
“This guy can really hit it hard off of his own set-up. What talent!”
“Do I detect some sarcasm there, Dennis?”
“What? Me? Al and Dan, look at Carlin’s face. He can’t believe he whiffed. What a sad sack. But, this, this is too much. The Unknown Opponent actually picked up the ball in the backcourt. Surely, he is going to toss the ball to Car… No! He is starting his own practice sequence again. I can’t believe I am seeing this.”
“I’m telling you guys, this is the prep school warm-up all over again.”
“Look at the way he ignores Carlin. This takes some real nerve.”
“Uh-oh. Carlin just asked the Unknown Opponent if they could get a rally going. What do you guys think? Is that game, set and match?”
“Al, I think we have to give this one to the Unknown Opponent. Still, I have to give some credit to Carlin -- look how eager he was. He kept thinking – hoping – that the Unknown Opponent was actually going to hit the ball back to him.”
“Yeah, Dan, he reminded me of a little puppy who just keeps falling for the tossed-stick fake-out. It was actually kind of endearing.”
“Folks, tonight was a rarity, for we rarely see someone defeated so badly in the warm-up as Carlin was tonight. Thanks for tuning in. For Dan and Dennis, this is Al Michaels. See you next time.”
(Now that you see the normal announcing in my head, perhaps you can forgive that football fantasy I opened with. 75 yards. Ahhh.)
