Most people don’t know that Murphy is a squash player, but he is. He is largely anonymous, yet almost everyone who has traveled to a squash tournament is familiar with his wily ways. Murphy, you may remember, came up once with a law. As he played more and more squash, he created a series of corollaries that are known to most of us by experience if not by words. I was reminded of a number of them on my recent trip to the Nationals in Seattle. Perhaps some of them will seem familiar to you.
Murphy’s Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. The squash corollaries appear in section 2-3 (the very section number subconsciously reminding each of us of matches where his laws came into effect). Here is a selection of some of them:
2-3.12. If you travel over 200 miles to a squash tournament, you will play against the same opponent you play every week back home.
2-3.15. If there is one major tournament that you have pointed toward for over four months, you will have a significant wedding or business event that takes place on the same weekend.
2-3.19. If you need directions to the tournament shuttle, the time it takes to get directions will almost exactly equal the amount of time by which you miss the shuttle.
2-3.23. If you are an age group player, when it is your first year in a new age division and you are a contender for the title, there will be a former top 30 European pro in your age bracket who has just moved to the US and who will decide – at the last minute – to play.
2-3.29. If you have a few friends who want to see you play, your assigned court will be the one with the most limited viewing.
2-3.31. If there is one person you want to watch or cheer for (like, say, a sibling, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend), they will play at the same time you do. 2-3.31.a. At a different location.
2-3.33. If you find yourself needing to relieve one more pre-match – ahem – “urge”, your court will be one of the two or three furthest from the nearest bathroom.
2-3.35. The more carefully you time your pre-match routine, the longer will be the match on the court before you.
2-3.40. If you have one racquet that you particularly like, the strings will break just before or during a crucial match.
2-3.43. If you make up your mind to pay no attention to the referee’s calls, your referee will repeatedly screw up the score.
2-3.45. If you have a referee who is determined to keep you to the 90-second between-game rest, the water fountain will be over 45 seconds away.
2-3.51. If you are a C player who just won your match and who is nervous about refereeing, the next match on your court will be two closely matched A players.
2-3.52. If find yourself in a feed-in consolation tournament, your next opponent will have had a minimum of twice as much rest as you.
2-3.53. If there is lunch served at a tournament, your next match will start at the same time lunch arrives. 2-3.53.a. You will finish your post-match shower just after lunch is removed.
2-3.55. If you just won your match in five and you have to play again in a few hours, the next match on your court (you know, the one you have to referee) will start late. 2-3.55.a. And will require your full concentration. 2-3.55.b. And will go five games. 2-3.55.c. And will go into overtime in the fifth.
2-3.57. If you lose a long five game match and feel that you can at least find solace in a long soaking shower, there will be no more hot water.
2-3.59. If you can’t quite remember which locker you put your gear in, the lock you used will be the same model used on almost every locker. 2-3.59.a. When finally find your locker, you will transpose your combination so that you will think it isn’t actually yours.
2-3.61. If there is only one other person in your area of the locker room, that person’s locker will be next to yours.
2-3.64. If you find yourself at the Saturday night party with a group of players you particularly like, the music will be just loud enough to prevent you from talking to anyone other than the person next to you. 2-3.64.a. That person will be the one person at the table you like the least.
2-3.81. If you are single, you will stay focused during the tournament until a crucial point when you will notice a very cute person behind the glass wall. 2-3.81.a. You will try to impress the cutie. 2-3.81.b. And you will lose the point. 2-3.81.c. And you will lose two more berating yourself afterwards. 2-3.81.d. And you will try again.
Have I mentioned that Murphy is also a romantic?
