“I’m going to eat his children,” said Mike Tyson of a recent opponent. It is, of course, hard to take Tyson seriously if you hear his Michael Jackson-like voice, but given his ear-eating episode against Evander Holyfield, there was a certain gravitas to his words. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons that the quote made international headlines.
When I first read Mike’s comment, I sat there pondering the last time I heard a squash player quoted before a big match. As I failed to come up with any, I realized that the words themselves might have something to do with it. Instead of talking about cannibalism, for example, it seems to me that a squash player who was feeling confident before a match might say, “I think our games match up well for me.” You see what I mean? The impact is a bit different.
With that in mind, I thought I might look at a selection of – ahem – memorable sports quotes throughout the years and offer a take on what a squash player did say or might have said. Away we go:
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes,” said a senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh. The mostly ivy-educated squash player would likely say, “I’m committed to playing squash – despite my double degree program.” The emphasis, you see, has shifted.
“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle,” said Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach, while trying to organize a practice. The thing here is not so much what the coach said, but the fact that the players tried to comply. A squash-playing philosophy major more likely would have taken the instruction as a koan and started to meditate.
It is hard for me to imagine what a squash coach would say to a player who had received four F’s and D on his report card, but the advice would likely have been different from the advice given by Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
Shaquille O'Neal recently was asked whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece. He replied: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” An American squash player would not only reply in the affirmative, but also give enough of an explanation to show the questioner that he had a command of the Parthenon’s architectural history. An international squash player would reply in the affirmative, give a slight discourse on its history and then tell you where you could get a really good beer nearby.
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” Another koan.
Sometimes the difference is simply that squash players like to be helpful. In some sports, when an official delays making a call, a player might take the opportunity to make their case (“There’s no way that was a gosh-darned foul!” or some such argument). In contrast, I once saw Clive Caldwell try his best to help the referee during a squash doubles match: “Here is a rare opportunity,” he said. “This is a chance for you to call your first stroke in a doubles match. You may never get a better chance.” Wasn’t that helpful?
Other times, though, squash players may pontificate too much. I have heard many players go into great length when describing the differences between courts at different locations and the effect the temperature, the floor surface, the wall surface, the size, the gallery, and the crowd all had on the way the ball played. Contrast this with the observation of stock car racer, Alan Kulwicki, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” Thanks, Alan.
Squash players also have a tendency to go on and on about how the officiating cost them their match. This isn’t allowed in pro sports leagues. That’s why remarks are much more succinct. Like this one by Jim Finks, the 1986 New Orleans Saints GM, when asked what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”
But many squash players also have a degree of subtlety. Compare these two comments. The first is from Alberto Tomba after winning yet another ski race: “I really lack the words to compliment myself today.” This, on the other hand, is from a squash player who has soundly defeated his opponent: “I was really off my game today… I just couldn’t get it going. But you! You really played well.”
Maybe squash players don’t threaten to eat kids or bite off ears, but for all our supposed sophistication, it does appear that we like to sucker punch.
