A number of years ago, a staff member of New York Sports Clubs happened past one of the courts at the 86th Street location and was stunned to see two large men playing a version of squash that resembled pro wrestling. The players were shoving each other, throwing vicious blocks, and generally manhandling one another.
The club employee waited for a break in the action and called down to the players: “Excuse me. Do you know that in squash you are supposed to clear out of the way of each other and if your opponent is in the way, you are supposed to call let and play the point over?”
“Yeah, kid, we know,” replied one of the two men, “but we like it better this way.” The punchline is that the two players turned out to be members of the New York Rangers hockey team.
I have heard the story told many times, and it always makes me laugh. It wasn’t until I saw the first game of the XFL, the extreme version of football that is the brainchild of the WWF’s Vince McMahon, that I realized that the hockey guys might actually have had something.
With that in mind, I have taken the liberty of creating my own new squash association – the PSA be damned (actually, once I get my bearings, I will be using language much stronger than that, but for now…): Welcome to the XSF, the Xtreme Squash Federation.
Here are some of the features of the newest thing to hit squash. Remember, it is all about sex and violence.
First, needless to say, we will have cheerleaders. Interestingly, though, the cheerleaders may be wearing more clothes than the XSF players. You see, I have never understood why beach volleyball players should have all the fun. Therefore, all male players will be required to play wearing only a bathing suit. We will start out with swim trunks, but if all goes well, we may move down to Greg Louganis-like speedos. Women players will wear bikinis.
I know what you are thinking, and believe me, it scares me too; the prospect of seeing pale squashers with barely any clothes is not all that appealing, so XSF players will have to pass a tan test before entering the court. And don’t worry, our players all will have washboard stomachs and good butts; we mandated that, too.
And speaking of entering the court, our pre-match rituals will be a bit different from what you are used to. Instead of spinning a racquet to see who serves first, for example, we will start a match with both players on the court with their backsides against the backwall (just so you know, I said “backsides” just now to get the alliterative effect, not because I’m wimping out already) and a ball will be rolled onto the court toward the front wall. The first player to possess the ball for three seconds will win the serve. The use of racquets is encouraged (er, allowed), but we will have similar rules to hockey – so it won’t be too bloody (right?).
During the match, we will mike the players and award bonus points for the most clever trash-talking that occurs during a match (in some places, there will be instant spectator voting on the barbs). And the players won’t be the only ones making noise, for in the XSF there won’t just be coaching between the games; there will be continuous coaching. Imagine the observations that the fan will pick up (“Jahangir’s backhand sucks! Hit it over there!”). Our fans are going to learn while watching.
Vince McMahon forgot something when he was transferring things that worked in the WWF to the XFL: what happens if the game is boring? Our fans needn’t worry about that; XSF matches are all going to be tag team. If one player starts to lose too badly, there will be a teammate in reserve. Of course, like wrestling, the reserve player can only join the action if touched by the competing player. The opposition can do almost anything to stop such contact. It’s gonna be good.
The cheering will be a bit more raucous than current crowds (the XSF is going to take the “sh” out of “squash”); there will be beer vendors in the stands and betting windows beside them. In order to have enough information to bet, the fans are going to have unique insight into what is happening with plenty of behind-the-scenes action. Our fans will know who is dating whom, who hates whom, and who knows when to use “whom.”
And keeping track of the players will be easier with the introduction of nicknames. Fans will cheer for Peter “Pretty Boy” Nicol, Anthony “Ironhead” Hill and Marty “The Doctor” Clark.
Okay, I admit, we might not get all the premium players right away, and the quality of the actual squash may suffer (no lets or strokes, by the way, players will have to get to the ball by any means possible and players will be allowed to block the ball going to the front wall), but nobody complains that pro wrestlers didn’t win gold, do they? I’m betting people are going to like it better this way.
