It is time for drastic measures. It is time for each of us to admit that we have all been just a bit too obsessed with where we stand in relation to the world. It is time to help spectators know what to watch. It is time, in short, to adopt the movie rating system as our own.
The MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) already has given us a nice head start by doing all the work for us: their familiar G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17 system is known by all; the MPAA has figured out how to structure a committee to determine ratings (part of the fun is that players would be able to negotiate their ratings with real people instead of with a non-sympathetic computer); and they get to host a pretty cool – if a bit long – awards show.
With our current system, spectators are clueless about how to judge the appeal of a 4.0 vs. 4.15 match, but give them an “R” vs. a “PG-13” match, and they suddenly have perfect context with which to judge. Which would you rather see?
If you were able to answer that last question, you have already shown the value of the system, for we haven’t even outlined any of the factors by which a player might be rated. It’s not that big a deal, though, for we need only consider a single factor: suitability for children.
In order to understand fully how this would work, I’m going to form an elite committee of one and start with a few examples.
G: Clearly Mark Talbott and Richard Chin both are well-liked and popular, and each plays a game of squash that you would give anything to have your child emulate. All ages welcome.
PG: Demer Holleran’s game is a touch too sophisticated for everyone. Her pinpoint accuracy and fierce focus may not be suitable viewing for very young children. Similarly, Preston Quick’s seemingly laconic style may need a parent to point out that it hides a hidden intensity and skill level.
PG-13: At first glance, it may seem crazy not to rate Peter Nicol as a G, but the rating committee has to consider other factors, and clearly Nicol has teeny-bopper appeal. Just as any Leonardo DiCaprio movie wants at least a PG-13 rating, the committee has decided to try to maximize his sex appeal and not rate Nicol any lower than PG-13. What about teenage boys? Mary and Berkeley Belknap come to mind – and heck, Berkeley already has her own poster, ready for the dormitory wall.
R: Can you imagine John McEnroe being rated anything less than an R? Neither can I, and since Jon Power’s temper tantrums and Marty Clark’s sarcastic comments are the closest thing squash has to Mac attacks, they’re both getting R’s. Ellie Pierce gets an R for being the Brandi Chastain of the squash world, as she made wearing sports bras fashionable. Why is it that R-rated movies are the ones that adults want to see?
NC-17: Look, squash is a sport based on fitness. It doesn’t do anyone any good to see slightly heavy, beer-drinking players who are also damn good. Couple that combination with shot-making that absolutely should not be tried at home, and you understand why we have to make Grantly Pinnington off-limits. Brett Martin is also getting an NC-17 for the simple fact that after watching him play, my mother once remarked that Martin “has the best damn butt I’ve ever seen.” Stay away from my mom, Brett. On the other hand, just to show that the committee is equal opportunity, Sara Fitzgerald is getting a similar rating because the committee can’t seem to forget the Donnay advertisement that had her holding a racquet bag in front of her otherwise unclothed body. Is it hot in here or is it just me?
Just as all movie categories have their fans, this rating system would give every match potential appeal to different audiences. And when G-players meet R or even NC-17 opponents, the opportunity for good vs. evil drama is almost too compelling to miss.
If you like the idea, don’t thank me, just prevent me from making that sappy speech that MPAA prez, Jack Valenti, makes at the start of every Academy Awards telecast.
And where, by the way, would I rate myself? This really requires little thought, for I am someone who has not won a match in the Nationals for two years, who is carrying around a disgusting inner tube around my waist, and whose stroke production was always a bit on the stiff side. Though the rating isn’t sanctioned by the MPAA, give me a XXX, and keep the children away.
