Some of you may be confused.
You may have heard about how a certain coach called the referee some names during one of the USA matches at the recent World Junior Championships in Princeton, New Jersey. Or you may have heard that he stood over US coach Bryan Patterson and tried to incite a reaction (Bryan didn’t respond). Or you may have heard that after his team clinched the win against the US that he slammed down his clipboard, screamed at the top of his lungs, and looked at the pro-US crowd to see if there was anyone who might want to discuss something – anything – outside.
After hearing one or more of these tales, some of you might be under the misimpression that the coach was guilty of poor sportsmanship. But, as I tried to tell you before, you’re just confused. Let’s hear how he really had the best interests of squash – in fact, the very future of the game – at heart:
Me: I guess you probably know why I wanted to talk with you…
Coach: It was good, yes? I try so hard to make squash good, and I think this time it could have worked great – if only I had a little help from you Americans…
Me: I’m sorry, I guess I’m confused… I wanted to talk about your match against the US, and why you seemed…
Coach: …to go crazy? I know, I know. But don’t you see? I’m just trying to help grow the game.
Me: Grow the game?
Coach: That’s right. You see, just a few years ago I start to put it all together. It’s so obvious, and yet no one talks about it. I figure out the marketing trick that all the major sports use.
Me: Oh?
Coach: Yes. It’s so simple. Crazy men and violence.
Me (looking vacant): Sorry…
Coach: Look, you know Michelle Kwan and Tara Lipinski?
Me: The figure skaters? Sure.
Coach: Why?
Me: Why what?
Coach: C’mon, c’mon. Why you know them?
Me: Because they are the best figure skaters in the world?
Coach: No, no. Because of the crazy man and the violence.
Me: (silence)
Coach: You remember. Tonya has crazy man hit Nancy in knee. Before, no one knows them, now everyone knows the color of Tara’s teddy bear.
Me: But what about Katerina Witt? I mean, I knew about her before…
Coach: You miss the point. Look at women’s tennis: a few years ago, I don’t know about women’s tennis, I don’t even know there is women’s tennis. Then some crazy man stabs Monica, and now I cry when she loses.
Me: You never heard of Chrissy and Martina?
Coach: I don’t hear of this Chrissy, but Martina is #1 (but between you and me, I like this Kournikova girl). And look at basketball. Everything is Michael, Michael, Michael. But Michael is nothing. NOTHING. Basketball is popular for two reasons: Bill Laimbeer and Dennis Rodman. Crazy men and violence. When they win title for Detroit Pistons; basketball become popular. Michael Jordan is nothing. Who is still around? Dennis Rodman. Crazy man good for game.
Me: But Magic was before the Pistons.
Coach: No, Orlando is expansion team.
Me: I mean, Magic Johnson.
Coach: The talk show host? He is crazy, but what he have to do with basketball? Look at the popular sports. Football, I mean soccer. In Central and South America, we kill players and all our fans are crazy. Europe, too. World’s most popular sport. On television, wrestling is very popular. Is there no violence in wrestling? Are they not crazy?
Me: But soccer isn’t so popular in the US, so…
Coach: Oh yes. Instead, you have that ice hockey. Is there a game there or do they just fight?
Me: I see… So you were trying to help squash?
Coach: Exactly. You see, I’m the crazy man. I try to fight with American coach, but he’s a wimp. I snarl at crowd, but no one take me on. We could have made television. If someone get killed, we could have involved the governments, then everyone know squash. For sure. But no one fight with me. I’m just too far ahead of my time. But I try. Honest, I try.
Me: I see. Well, that is certainly an interesting approach. So, you weren’t a poor winner, you were trying to be a good marketer.
Coach: Yes, I can only say I try. Next time, I’m gonna bite someone’s ear.
